I'm In A Big Hush.

It is really hard for me to be in a very good condition nowadays. Semuanya jadi tak tentu hala. Adakah semuanya salah aku sendiri? I never thought of getting a bad week. No. Not a bad week. A bad life. I leaned back on my chair and stare hard at my laptop screen. Yet there is still no sign for me to get better. Aku tak tau pulak kat mane silapnye. Kalau ada, kenapa macam xmuncul jugak? This is really hard for me. I’d rather be in COA’s lecture all day long and listen to every single word that Oney-oney said. But now I have to accept the fact that today is just Friday. And tomorrow is Saturday which means it is the first day of a weekend. I don’t think I could stay any longer alone by myself and thinking about things that I should have not thinking about. Memang sangat susah untuk aku melupakan apa-apa pun yang terjadi kat diri aku. Walaupun Cuma kecik. Ah. Dunia. Kenapa kadang-kadang engkau sangat menjengkelkan? Oh.

And one more thing. I don’t know mana smua air mata aku da pegi. Bila hati meronta-ronta kata menangis, tade setitik pun air mata yang mengalir. Damn! Then I have to just cry from the inside. And I hate it because it hurts. Tambahan lagi, whenever I look at my face at the mirror, I see nothing. Macam kosong. No eyes, no nose, no ears, no mouth. Dan lagi, no tears. Cume yang nyata, air deras mengalir keluar dari kepala paip sje. Bukan apa, cume sebak. Diri rasa ditinggal-tinggal. I feel all alone seh. Seriously. Macam, there is nobody around me. Feels like I never know anybody in my life. Isolated kot selama neh? Entah. Mustahil tak ye? Eh. Nothing is impossible because impossible is nothing.

Nobody sees me as what I am. They only see me from the outside and get a short decision about what I am not really. Kan dari dulu da penah diajar, ‘Don’t judge a book by it’s cover’. But still, itulah masalah yang sering terjadi berulang kali. Over and over again. Who to blame then? Tepuk dada, Tanya selera. Ah. Selera? I’ve lost all my appetite. No sense. No hard feelings. I would like to state this again. I really do not want to blame anybody. This is just all my fault. Aku yang xreti nak biasakan diri dengan situasi yang getar seperti sekarang neh. Kenapa dulu macam tabah? Ala. Pretended only. Then there is the main problem! You have to know that pretending is not the easy way to settle your problem. Maybe it could but not for all! Kamon la aja! Why is it so hard for you to really realize what best for you? You got to believe that everything that happened to you is all fate! God knows what’s best for you. He just knows.

So, by now, I should have start learning something from what have just happened. Bukan semua yang kita mau, akan dapat kita kecapi. Bukan semua. Itu lumrah sejak azali. Lumrah kehidupan. Mahu atau tidak, wajib terima. Mungkin apa yang berlaku ini bakal membuka mata kau seluas-luasnya dan mengajar diri kau sendiri tentang siapa sebenarnya diri kau yang sebenar. Whatever it is, be patient. Keep smiling and be nice.